I have forgotten how to give you my body.
How to yearn for the welcoming of my insides.
It scares me…
I feel the distance between your torso and mine.
I watch you come to a place of mediocre satisfaction.
I smile. Happy it’s over, that I could give at least that.
It scares me because I know it is not enough- what I provide.
The memory of me, verses, me in front of you, will further and further misalign.
I will begin to envy me back then for burning a place in your memory.
For giving you a standard I may no longer possess…
Maybe I hide behind giant walls.
New walls you have never climbed before.
I hang up the phone,
I wonder if instances like this have branded me closed.
If the accumulation of things has finally landed.
Maybe it is not walls I built,
but a giant ocean I drown in.
Maybe my vulnerability shattered,
and now the entrance of my being no longer exists to the outside world.
I sit in solitude.